“When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me, “Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping.” – Fred Rogers
I always want to be the person helping and have been since I was a kid. My role as big sister lends itself to my helpful nature as well. I like adding value and if I can make someone’s life easier in the process, win-win.
I’m also intuitive and an empath (they usually go together), which makes me sense things before they happen. I have a weird ability? to think I know what people need before they say it. Handy at times, detrimental at others. It’s only through reflection, discernment of my own intuition and detachment that I’ve learned to manage my helpful, somewhat fixing ways. There can, in fact, be too much of a good thing 😉
Couple last week’s post with my ‘I know what you need, allow me to help you’ attitude and you can imagine the predicaments I’ve gotten myself into. Yet, there are times when invading personal space and challenging others’ perspective is necessary. How do I know? It’s a feeling, one that I’ve learned is different from my own desire to serve. When it’s about the other person, I feel it in my gut versus feeling it in my heart when it’s about me. I’ve practiced cultivating this awareness with lots of silence and creating open, honest relationships, where people keep me in check. Thank God for them!
I still get anxious at times when I know I need to invade personal space. Fear of the unknown or an adverse reaction is real! I also know my friends, the ride or die tribe, want honesty, want challenge, want help. They want me in their corner for the good, the bad, the messy and the chaotic. A few ways I’ve learned to show up:
- Invading personal space is not just for anyone. This holding a mirror up for another person to see themselves is recommended for relationships built on a strong foundation of trust and understanding.
- Timing is everything! The middle of the work day isn’t always convenient. As the invader (ha!), it’s important to ask permission…is now a good time to talk about ________? Do you want my opinion or an opportunity to vent without judgement? How can I help you in this moment? Receivers of the invasion must be honest and share their true feelings, not what they think their friend wants to hear.
- Typically, when you’re checking in on someone or calling them out on their shit (both are important), there will be emotion. Don’t let that freak you out. Our
strongfriends usually have the strongest emotions. Let them release, be their soft place to fall.
- Trust your intuition. You know what your person/people need. Sometimes it’s a hug, sometimes it’s simply your presence, sometimes it’s driving meatballs to their kid while they’re traveling. Go with how you feel, not what you think. My go-to question is: How am I serving this person in this moment? It helps me to tap into that gut place of knowing.
- Above all else, no one is broken, you’re not fixing anyone or anything. Pain and suffering are part of the human condition. A cornerstone of my coaching program (CTI) is holding people naturally creative, resourceful and whole. When you look at this kind of situation from the NCRW perspective, you’re showing up to hold space, not put pieces back together.
One of the promises of friendship (or any relationship really), is to be there no matter what, especially when your friend isn’t 100%. Everyone needs someone looking out for them. How and what you do is different for each relationship, in each situation. Don’t be afraid to show up unapologetically, without hesitation or preconceived notions.
Kelly Clarkson’s new song Broken and Beautiful sums it up perfectly. While I’m not in love with the word broken, I do think the verses tell the story of what most of us need.